No one over the age of 10 wants a teddy bear as a present. Ever.
Valentine's Day is the holiday which is most closely associated with chocolate. Why, then, is so much of it so terrible? Last week I was lured in by a "two for one" special on giant plastic heart-shaped boxes of chocolate. (I only bought one. I'm not THAT deranged.) Now granted, it was only two bucks for a dozen chocolates. And I should not have been surprised that they were not any good. But they weren't, and I was.
The worst offenders in this respect are any chocolate assortments that do not include a schematic. If you don't have a diagram telling you what you are about to bite into, then I can pretty much guarantee it's going to be bad. It will be overly sweet, and probably contain a sickly flavoring like orange crème or strawberry goo. That's just how it works.
Part of the problem is that we can't, as a culture, decide how we feel about Valentine's Day. Most of us still think of it as a holiday for little kids to swap cards and get overlooked by their peers. (Welcome to a lifetime of heartache, little Johnny!) Advertisers want us to think of it as the holiday when you buy your significant other a diamond necklace or an Audi.
But as we all know, Valentine's Day is the day to feel crappy about yourself. If you're in a relationship, you will feel crappy because you are giving your significant other a lame present like a stuffed teddy bear, instead of a diamond necklace or an Audi. If you are not in a relationship, you will feel crappy because there is no one in your life to give you a stuffed teddy bear instead of a diamond necklace or an Audi.
There is no way around it, folks. Valentine's Day is an unwinnable war. The best thing you can do is avoid the chalky hearts and cheap chocolate assortments, and go straight for the Whitman's Samplers and Ferrero Rocher.
(And remember: no one over the age of 10 wants a teddy bear as a present. Ever.)